The First Step is the Hardest

When you are on the brink of change or contemplating on doing something new, the first step is always the hardest. We are comfortable where we are at, change is scary, and we convince ourselves that it is just safer and easier to stay where we are at rather than taking a step into the unknown and trying to grow.

Do things always work out? No. But do they sometimes? Yes. Are the times they work out worth it? Yes. And just because things don’t seem to work out, doesn’t mean good things aren’t ahead. God has a plan and if you trust in him and let him have control, you will end up where you are supposed to be.

I’ve taken quite a few first steps lately.

I took the first step in working on my relationship with Christ. Honestly, part of that first step was starting this blog because through this blog, I determined what was holding me back and I was able to set myself free so that I could move on.

I took the first step of letting others into my life. In a sense, I’m letting every single person that reads this blog into my life because I’m blogging about things that are on my heart, the struggles I have, my relationship with God (which I’ve not always been the best Christian). My blog doesn’t look like people’s facebooks or instagrams where everything is sunshine and rainbows…at least that is how people portray themselves (I’m guilty too..I don’t typically air my dirty laundry over those platforms)…but my blog is the ugly, the hard things, the truth, and yes good things too. Not only have I let random people reading this blog into my life, but I’ve let friends and people I trust in. I’ve realized that I can’t do this on my own and it is okay to let people know when I’m not okay. I had a friend text me this week asking how my week was going and it would have been so easy to just say “it’s going good.” But I didn’t, I trusted in God and I threw myself out there and said something like “actually it’s been pretty rough.” I didn’t elaborate why in in that first response why it was rough because I am still trying to get over feeling like I am burdening people when I share my problems with them. I want confirmation that they actually want to know what’s wrong before I divulge everything…insecurity at its finest (see look at all the problems I have). Anyway, I ended up telling her everything and guess what? I felt better. Amazing how we feel when we let other people in, especially other believers, and let them help us.

Continuing on that line…I have also taken the first step of letting people pray for me and pray over me. That sounds weird…shouldn’t that be easy to let someone do those things for you? Well it has never been easy for me. Partly because for people to pray for you, you have to basically tell them what’s wrong with you and admit that everything isn’t hunky dory. I grew up keeping most things in and to myself and not letting people in; I was afraid if I told people my deepest darkest secrets, fears, worries, etc that they could always use that to hurt me. What resulted was years of burying things and now having to deal with them as an adult as they resurface…oh the joys…and oh how much healing I still have to do. But I’ve been praying to God to put people and keep people in my life that will help lead me to the truth and walk alongside me on this journey. With that, I have been trusting that he is putting good people in my life. Friends can/will always fail us…even unintentionally…because none of us are perfect. But sharing your life and faith with people is so much better than trying to make it all on your own.

Anyway…remember the other day when I said I was having to write a letter to someone that was dying? Well that was my step-grandma…and I found out in the middle of church this morning that she had passed. I don’t usually get on my phone during church but I felt a push to check it and so I did…and that’s when I found out. So I did the total girl thing…went to the bathroom…locked the door…and cried….because another thing I hate…crying in front of people. As I was standing at the sink, my legs started trembling and that’s when I realized I really wasn’t okay. Anyway, I pull it together enough to go back into church. My friend was standing right near the door…and it would have been so easy to let myself run and hide and to just blow past her and pretend like I was fine and was just using the bathroom. But I overcame my desire to run and I stopped…and I think she could tell something was wrong. I managed to get out “she’s gone” and she knew who I was talking about because I had let her in (see when you let people in, things are better). She hugged me, held me, comforted me, offered comforting words, and then asked “can I pray for you.” I said yes, and she put her hands on me/embraced me and prayed for me. And guess what? I felt relief, I felt like it was okay to be vulnerable, I felt love, I felt the presence of God, and I felt like I wasn’t suffering alone. And now that I think about it…I think that is the first time I have ever let someone do that for me. It’s not that I’ve turned down people before either, I don’t think anyone has ever asked me. Which is not entirely other people’s fault because like I’ve said, I’ve had problems letting people in and admitting that I need help and prayer and honestly I’ve not always had a good relationship with God. It may not have been the easiest thing for her to do either because it takes courage to ask someone if you can pray for them when do you don’t know how they might react or if they will reject you. I’m thankful and eternally grateful she trusted God and took the leap of faith herself and asked me and I’m thankful that I’m letting God work in me and I was able to say yes.

After she prayed for me/over me. We continued to stand by the door. One of her friends was nearby and she asked me if it was okay if she told her and asked if she would pray for me too. I said yes, and she prayed over me too. Again, I felt better. She has no idea but some of things she said about the grieving process…hit me like a rock. She said something about God empowering me and letting this draw me closer to him. If she knew anything about my past, she would know that I’ve been mad at God in the past when bad things have happened and instead of relying on God in those bad times, I’ve nearly let the enemy destroy my entire faith and relationship. I don’t feel that way this time….praise God.

So after that, my friend asks if I want to go sit back down. I said “I’m not sure what I want to do”….I didn’t know if I wanted to cry, if I wanted to keep standing there, if I wanted to sit down, or none of the above. So we stood a bit longer. All of the sudden, another one of her friends appears…apparently she intended on using the bathroom…but again she asked if I was okay if she had this friend pray for me. So this time, we go into a little back room and they both lay their hands on me and pray for me. She does not know me at all, but if you heard the things she said you would have thought she did….God was speaking straight through her. She said things like you have questions, and in time those questions will be answered, but not now because you wouldn’t know what to do with them…I do have questions…several…I have not blogged about them because I’ve sort of been waiting for them to develop and to find some clarity. She also said I’m like a roaring lion although I may sometimes be soft spoken…which is true. There’s truth to that too…that’s half the reason I am blog…I feel like things are roaring inside me and that they are things that need to be shared…both for myself and others. She also said that I am fearless and not fearful. I don’t always feel that way but letting God work inside me has been making me less fearless.

Long story short. I took that step, I trusted God, I let others in, I let people pray for me, I let people know I wasn’t okay. By doing that, I’m doing better than I probably would have been doing. I’m not going to lie and say that I’m perfectly fine, because anyone that knows the grieving process knows that it is complex and it doesn’t just go away in one day. Tomorrow may be worse. But guess what? I know that I have God and people that are there for me that want to love me and support me and with that, I will be victorious and I will overcome whatever challenges the grieving process may pose. Sometimes my own words I blog come back and heal me too. Remember when I wrote the other day about loving people, supporting people, and not closing the door on people? I realized that I needed to let people do the same for me, that I am just as worthy as receiving love, prayers, and support as I am at giving them. TRUST IN GOD AND LET PEOPLE LOVE YOU; YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE.

Taking first steps is scary. But let this be a testimony…I promise it is worth it. Trust in God and really put your faith in him and you will soar to heights you never thought you would reach.

Love, peace, and prayers to all of you my sweet friends.