Life recently has been a bit rough. I posted before about the loss of my step-grandma. Since then, I have also experienced a lot of loss at work. In my field and setting, it is typical for patients to pass and as people say “it happens in threes” which is so odd but oddly accurate a lot of the time. Well we are used to people passing, but not people passing on our rehab hall. In the last 3ish weeks we have had 4-5 people pass on our rehab hall. Granted the deaths weren’t totally unexpected as the patients really weren’t doing well to begin with and some had pending hospice consults or had just been put on hospice. But even knowing that, it’s still not easy. You care for your patients and their families and when you lose someone you are losing a member of your work family. When it seems like everyone around you is dying, both in your personal and professional life…it starts to get to you.
All of that being said, I felt like I had combatted all of this pretty well despite the circumstances. That was until yesterday which was just the icing on the cake. Yesterday we unexpectedly lost an employee of our facility…39 years old…to a heart attack. Did I say when it rains, it pours? I was about to leave for the day and I was talking to another coworker…and that’s how I found out. I didn’t really know her personally as she was newer and in a different department, but I instantly felt sorry for her family, friends, and my coworkers that were close with her. Life just isn’t fair sometimes and yesterday was one of those times.
I am not going to lie, this was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. I’m also not going to lie and pretend like some of the things that came to my mind weren’t cuss words (which makes me a little sad inside because I’ve been trying to combat that too…both externally and internally…work in progress my friends). It was my tipping point for sure. I wasn’t mad at God, didn’t question God, didn’t blame God, and am still not doing those things. I just didn’t understand and frankly I still don’t, but I am trusting in his plan and leaning on him.
To be frank I even debated if maybe I should just take a few days off of work to recharge and regroup…and I’m still partially debating that. It just seems like everyone is dying around me and I’m sitting here wondering “who is next?” Is it me? Is it a family member? A friend? Which I know is terrible to even let myself ask those questions. Or will this season of death ever end? But I keep thinking it has ended and then someone else dies.
I have to admit though that our God was faithful. So I actually got off work early today which was a blessing given recent events. I actually had to meet a family member out of town and as I was driving out there to meet her and during my time with her, I kept seeing signs that God was showing me he was with me. Which was very much needed.
1. On my drive there was a big white cross in the middle of a field.
2. 
I saw this randomly in a store while my family member and I were shopping. I needed to see this so badly.
3. 
I also saw this…in a different store. Needed to see this one too…sometimes everything just seems so messy but “He makes all things new.”
4. I didn’t take a picture but there was a necklace that said let your light shine. When I started my part time job, I selected my motto as be the light/let your light shine after Matthew 5:16. It just was a good reminder to strive to be the light even when things seem dark and to not let the enemy overtake me.
5. The Bible verse that seems so perfect for me right now is Joshua 1:9 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” This is speaking absolute volumes to me write now and is so perfect. What you don’t know is this is the EXACT verse I sent my step-grandma in my last letter to her…see picture below.
So long story short, things have been sucking and I’m praying steadfastly that they get better soon. But I know our God is with me and will take care of me and keep leading me to the light. Prayers would be much appreciated!
Love and prayers to all of you my sweet friends 🥰.
Leave No Words Left Unwritten 