The Feeling of Unworthiness

At some point in our lives I think we all find ourselves “unworthy” of something whether it is love, friendship, money, or a million other things. I feel unworthy of going to church. Not God’s love and mercy, but going to church. It sounds silly to write and I debated long and hard whether I really wanted to delve into this and write this post. But, it is on my heart and it is how I feel.

How I did end up here and in this place? Well, as most things are…it’s complicated. For the most part I guess the feelings started after my now husband and I moved in together. Yes, we moved in together before we got married. No, it was not so that we could sleep together. My family went through something horrific right before I started my Doctorate. My husband and I had just started dating but he was there for me through the whole thing, a shoulder a cry on, an ear to listen, and the arms that picked me up from rock bottom. I had a lot of bad times that first year of doctorate school. My husband was my rock, he was the one person I could confide in outside of my family. If it weren’t for him, I am not sure how I would have made it. Anyway, on top of dealing with all of that, I was also trying to go to graduate school which was very, very stressful. My husband was the one that helped me get through the stress, made sure I had food to eat, and believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.

We ended up moving in together during the middle of my first year of school. Before we moved in together, we had committed ourselves to each other and each other only and the only thing different from us being truly “married” was a piece of paper. However, committing yourself, even if you are committing whole-heartedly, to someone is not good enough and that’s what led to I guess where I am now….judgment. My husband used to play in a worship band in church when he was in college, but no church at least around here will let someone who is not married and living together play in the worship band. You are labeled a sinner and a bad example. But aren’t we all sinners? What did that lead to? Unheard talent and unused gifts from God. My husband doesn’t play guitar anymore like he used to when he was in a worship band, it doesn’t have the same meaning and purpose that it once did. It truly breaks my heart. If you had the opportunity to hear him play and use his talent, it would break yours too.

Fast forward…we moved to the state we are living in now. We got engaged shortly after we moved here. The first things one of my friends told me “no pastor down here will marry you if you are living together.” Nothing makes you feel not good enough besides getting told that no one will marry you. Like that really made me want to go to church. Everyone is so quick to judge you, but no one offers you solutions or tries to understand why you are living your life the way you are. Not once have I been asked why we moved in together. You tell someone you moved in together and instant judgment starts; people automatically assumed you moved in together to sleep together. The thing is, no one is God except God, yet people are very willing to try and assume that role and pass judgment. Yes, I know that not everyone is like that, but when you feel like you have been shunned even just by a few people it is hard to get over. We ended up having a friend of my husband’s that went to bible college marry us on our wedding day and it was wonderful.

Knowing that I was being judged for us living together made me not want to go to church. I am bad at half-assing things, when I commit to something or join something, I do it whole-heartedly. I submerge myself. I didn’t want to be the passive church goer that goes to church once a week, doesn’t socialize or get to know anyone, and keeps to themselves. I wanted to be able to get involved, to join a small group, and to be able to be open about the things and feelings I struggle with my life without feeling judged. But because of my life choices, AKA moving in together, I felt like I couldn’t go and be involved things. What small group would be willing to include a couple or go to a couples house that was “living in sin.” I didn’t think anyone, and maybe I am wrong, but I really couldn’t take the feeling of being rejected again. Nor was I going to go to church and lie and pretend that we weren’t living together, nor was living apart a viable option, so I just decided I would hold off going to church until after we got married. I thought that maybe after we got married and had that little slip of paper that I would finally be “good enough.”

Well here we are, 3 months into marriage and I still do not feel worthy of going to church and thus still have no desire to go. I think part of it is resentment and confusion. Resentment that I wasn’t good enough before I was married, flaws and all. Resentment that people look at you a completely different way when you are married. I’m sure some people would tell me to just repent of my sins and move on, but here’s the thing, I don’t see it as a sin nor do I regret it. Living with my husband before marriage saved me and my life in so many ways. We are no more committed now to each other than we were before we were married because we had already verbally made that commitment to each other. But with all of that being said, I feel guilty for not wanting to repent because in so many other people’s eyes it is an abominable sin. Again…no one asks the questions to understand you and why you do the things you do. I wish that sometimes people would just care enough to ask. Care enough to see into the depths of your heart and past the hurt in your eyes.

I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do. I didn’t write this post to ask for advice. I wrote it to show that I am human and that I struggle too. I wanted people to get to see the real me. It is a battle that I am going to have to keep fighting and trying to get through while continuing to pray to God for deliverance from these feelings. I hope that one day I feel worthy and that some church accepts me for who I am, sin and all, and welcomes me with open arms. At some point I know I am going to just have to pick myself up and just start trying again and put myself out there, otherwise I will never find what my heart deeply desires. I just don’t feel like I have the strength yet. Until that day, all I ask is that you pray for me. Pray that I find my way and that the right doors open and that God places the right people in my life. Pray that I can find a place that accepts me for who I am, regardless of my past. I ask one last thing… when you find yourself judging someone by the surface—take the time to talk to them and really get to know them. You might be surprised of the burdens and challenges people are facing. You would want someone to do the same for you. We are all fighting battles that no one knows about.

Love,

The Unworthy One.